THE NIGHT BEFORE
(Arawn’s Point of View)
He had her.
And then he lost her, just like that.
He’d lied to her.
And now he would spend the rest of his life on his knees before her if he had to…begging her to forgive him, if it gave him even an inkling of a chance to get her back.
The speaking stone had gone cold, despite how many times Arawn clutched it close to his chest.
He couldn’t stop thinking about the look in her eyes. The betrayal.
The brokenness…
Because he felt, for the first time in his life…like he was Soraya.
Like he was the enemy.
Like he was the one holding the blade to Ezer’s chest.
He waited as long as he could. He waited until it became painful, and then he’d taken to the sword again, until Indriya came for him, warning him he’d decimate their entire force of nomage recruits if he continued ‘training’ them.
So now he found himself pacing in the halls of the Eagle’s Nest, going over the words he wanted to say.
Ezer, my love.
Gods, it sounded ridiculous.
Ezer, my heart.
That wouldn’t do, either, because she was not the kind who wanted sappy or soft words.
She wanted the truth, cold and hard as it was. And he hadn’t given it to her.
He should have.
It wasn’t his choice to make, to hide the truth of her uncle. But when he’d gotten to know her…
Gods, he should have told her, from the second he felt the first flutter in his heart. He should have allowed her to face the questions she had…to know which side she stood on.
‘What are you doing here?’ a voice said from behind him.
Arawn turned to find Indriya and Riven, her giant of a brother, walking back from the Eagle’s Nest. Splattered in darksoul blood…a sure sign that they’d just come from the war.
They’d survived another night against the darksouls.
And he?
He was losing his own battle, right here as he stood before the black door.
The one that led to Ezer, for he knew she’d be sleeping in the raphon’s cage. It pained him that she was mere steps away, for she felt further now than she ever had before.
‘Sir.’
Arawn turned to look at his aerie. Indriya, in her leathers, Riven, with his twin swords strapped behind his back. Sacred knights who were loyal and fierce and pure. They would be ashamed if they knew what he was doing here.
Ashamed if they knew how much his heart was shredded over a Raphonminder that was not his.
‘Just open the damned door,’ Indriya said. ‘Go to her.’
He blinked.
‘I…’
‘You’re a fool if you think we didn’t see you that night on Absolution,’ Indriya said, as she paused to hang up her sword beside her saddle. She elbowed her brother in the side.
Riven grunted, and added, ‘She’s right, Arawn. You haven’t looked at anyone like that since…’
No one said her name.
No one needed to.
‘She flies tomorrow?’ Indriya asked. ‘The Descent?’
Arawn nodded.
This was a new boundary. A new line they’d never crossed before, not just as aerie riders but as Sacred. It was forbidden. They should run to the Masters. They should…
‘Go,’ Indriya said. ‘If it heals you. If it…if it does what it needs to do, to bring you back…’
‘We never saw you here,’ Riven said.
And it was a gift, as the siblings simply walked away, not looking back, not even once, to see if Arawn had gone through that door.
And he did.
His heart in his throat, he reached for the handle.
He pulled it open, so hard the door yelped – or perhaps that was…
‘What in the—’
It was her voice.
It was Ezer, standing on the other side.
***
‘Ezer,’ he breathed.
‘What are you doing here?’ she asked.
He hadn’t seen her since yesterday. He knew his warrior’s braid was loose, he knew he looked like a man on the fringes of his own sanity, for he hadn’t pressed his cloak, he hadn’t slept a wink…and here he was, his hand still on the door, his mouth hanging half-open in shock.
Seeing her…
He felt like he could finally breathe again, even though she must hate him.
Even though it was his own damned fault.
‘I was…’ Gods, where were his words? Why wasn’t his tongue working, why wasn’t his mind able to form a coherent thought? ‘I came to apologize,’ he blurted.
‘Why?’ Ezer asked.
So small, so bold and lovely as she glared up at him.
He didn’t care how bad it hurt. At least she was looking at him again. She hadn’t before.
‘Because I lied to you,’ he said. ‘Because you deserved to know the truth, even if it would break you.’
‘Do I look broken to you?’ Ezer asked. She stepped out of the doorway, closing it behind her. ‘Do I look like some fragile, feeble thing?’
‘No,’ he whispered.
She couldn’t be further from broken.
He was the broken one.
He was the one who needed to have the pieces of him put back together again.
‘You look brave,’ Arawn said. ‘You look bold, and…’ He paused. ‘And angry,Ezer, which you have every right to be. I shouldn’t have lied. They teach us that as one of the first laws. We promise to uphold it when we take our vows and despite myself, when it came to you…I still broke it.’
‘Why,’ she said again.
Not a question.
A demand.
‘Because…’
‘One chance, Arawn.’ She held up a finger, her eyes locked on his. He felt the stab of them deep in his gut. ‘You have one chance right now, and if you do not tell me the truth…I will walk away from you. I will leave this place tomorrow, come sunrise, and you will never see me again. Even if I survive.’
He let out a breath.
‘If?’
It was the worst word he’d ever heard.
‘I’d be lying if I said when,’ Ezer said.
He could feel his eyes turning wet. He swallowed back the burn in his throat.
How could he tell her? How could he admit his own weakness to her, who was so strong, so bold and unbreakable.
How could he dare admit to her that he was…
That he might not be who she needed him to be.
‘I did it…to protect myself,’ Arawn said. ‘Because…’
He couldn’t look at her. He couldn’t let her see him cry.
‘Look at me, Arawn,’ she said.
And he swore he could hardly even stand as he looked at her, and said, ‘Because I didn’t know you that day in the tower. All I knew were my orders, and they were to deliver you here, to have you become any other soldier.’ He sighed. ‘But you aren’t any other soldier. You are…’
‘What am I?’ she asked.
His heart was beating against his rib cage. Move closer to her, his body said, but his mind…
It knew she’d want him to stay away.
He’d manipulated her, in his own way. He’d pretended not to know a damned thing about her uncle, and now the thought of hurting her again…
He wished he could inflict that pain upon himself, tenfold, if only to remove the pain in her eyes.
‘You are stubborn,’ Arawn said.
At that, she recoiled.
You idiot, he thought. What are you saying?
This wasn’t the speech he’d practiced. But his words just tumbled out, and he was powerless to stop them.
He nodded and stepped a bit closer, pulled towards her like a magnet.
‘You are crass, and you are curious to your own detriment, but I adore how much it keeps me on my toes. And you are perhaps the messiest eater I have ever met. Worse than Six.’
She glared at him. ‘If this is supposed to be a slew of compliments, Arawn…’
Stop talking! his mind screamed at him.
But his idiotic tongue just kept spilling words out.
‘You are brilliant with her, and you are bold to spend your days with Kinlear, and, gods, the way you speak to people, the way you challenge them…the way you do not falter, not even when it comes to a shadow wolf…it’s like you aren’t even afraid, Ezer.’
He stepped a little bit closer.
This time, she did not back away.
‘You are everything I am not. Everything I wish I could be, because you do not bend to the will of anyone but yourself.’
‘That’s not true,’ she said.
But it was. Oh gods, it was truer than anything he’d ever said, because Ezer was free.
In a way he never had been, and never would be.
‘I didn’t tell you at first,’ he said, ‘because it’s my duty to hold the secrets of the Citadel. Why would I offer that up, risk penance and punishment, for a stranger? For a woman in a tower with a mountain of debt upon her head?’
He sighed.
Get to the point, he told himself. Because she was listening. Because he could see her edges softening, and despite himself…it was working.
His truth was working. And it felt so good to tell her everything.
‘And when I did get to know you…why would I wish to break someone who seemed already broken? Because I was broken, too, Ezer. I couldn’t even conjure a flame to save you, but you didn’t need me to. You saved me, and then you saved yourself in those woods, and however you did it, I don’t know. And I don’t care. Because…everything about you, that’s what I love.’
Love.
He hadn’t expected to say the word, but it poured out of him like a second breath.
He felt it.
In every fiber of his being…he felt it for her.
He dared step closer. ‘And once I knew who you were…I couldn’t speak the truth aloud.’
‘It wasn’t your choice to make,’ Ezer said.
‘I know that.’ He nodded. ‘And I was going to tell you, but the more I got to know you, the more time we spent together, the more you challenged me and frustrated me…the more you began to step into who you are here…the more I realized, Ezer of Rendegard, that you could not be broken. But I could.’ He swallowed, and his hands shook at his sides. Pain swam through him, for his loss. For his mistakes. For her pain, inflicted because of him. ‘I could be broken if I lost you. So, I hid the truth. And it was wrong of me, and I am a coward for it, and I will spend months, years – gods, whatever it takes – trying to make it up to you.’
His words were terrifying.
They were terrifying and honest and raw things…and they slid away from him, freeing him. Making it easier to breathe than it had been in days.
She stared up at him, through her curls and her scars…and she was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen.
It would kill him to walk away from her. But he’d do it, if it eased her own pain.
He’d do it, if it healed her.
He no longer gave a damn about himself.
She was what mattered.
She deserved the world, even if she wanted it without him in it.
‘I have been lied to my entire life,’ Ezer said. ‘And you expect me to forgive you? To fall into your arms and…and what then, Arawn? You’ll be king soon. And…we are not to be Matched.’
He took a deep breath. His hands went slack at his sides, like he was surrendering.
And he was.
He readied himself to turn away for good.
‘I do not expect anything from you,’ he said. ‘Never, Ezer. Your choices are your own to make. I am asking – I’ll beg if I have to – if you will forgive me. If you will trust me again. Because I’ve lived my entire life in the Citadel afraid of making mistakes. When we make them here…we pay. When we make them against the gods, our eternity is on the line. Our magic.’
He looked at his own hands. He frowned, as if he could feel the emptiness inside of them. But it was really her he was thinking of.
It was really…the thought of never holding her again.
‘I’m asking for grace.’ His voice cracked. He was crying now, and he didn’t care. ‘Something I have never known. From anyone.’
For a moment, it was silent.
He swore she could hear his heart beating.
He sniffed, trying to stop the tears.
‘We shouldn’t do this,’ she whispered. ‘It’s forbidden.’
‘I know,’ he said. And he wanted to back away, he knew he should back away. But suddenly he found himself reaching for her. Needing to borrow her strength, when he had none. He ran a hand down her cheek, shivering at the feel of her. He traced the shape of her neck, down to her collarbone.
He was on fire again, just like that.
Like she was the energy he’d needed. Like she was life,when he was on the verge of an emotional death.
And it was through pain, through desperation, that he offered up his final words.
‘I cannot live my life, Ezer, not knowing what it was like to have you. I’ll pay the penance. I’ll pay it a thousand times, if it means one night together. One night…where we are free to love who we please.’
And there it was again, that word.
Love.
He loved her.
He loved her in a way that was honest and true and pure, and he wouldn’t dare think of it as anything but.
She reached behind her, suddenly, and opened the door to the catacombs. Cold air rushed out, stinging his tearstained cheeks. Then she laced her fingertips through the front of his cloak…and pulled him with her over the threshold. ‘What are you doing?’ he asked.
His heart was in his throat.
‘I’m taking you someplace private,’ she said, as she shut the door behind them, bathing them both in darkness.
He raised a pale brow, the way he always did when he looked at her. Like she was a question he’d happily spend the rest of his life trying to answer…and he would.
‘So you can kill me?’ he asked. And for some reason, a smile came across his lips.
His heart continued to pound.
And pound, and pound, and pound.
‘No,’ Ezer said. ‘So I can kiss you.’
And it was her that pulled him down. And when their lips met…the cold was gone.
And there was only fire in its place.
Every part of him came undone at that kiss. Every part of him turned molten, until he was burning, until he thought he might combust. The hunger swept over him as their lips met, as their tongues met, too. And he’d never been so desperate for her touch, her attention, her body pressed against his.
They kissed until he had her pressed up against the cold stone wall, but he didn’t feel it.
He cradled her with his body until he pulled her into his arms, and she wrapped her legs around his waist, and suddenly there was too much between them.
She started to fumble at the buttons on his tunic, and he gasped as she tore them open, as her fingertips slid across his skin.
He pulled away, trying to search her face in the shadows.
She kissed him again, still clutching his shirt.
‘I don’t know how—’ Ezer whispered against his lips.
‘Neither do I,’ Arawn whispered back.
So they learned together.
And it was beautiful.
And it was fleeting.
And it healed him and broke him and healed him all over again, as he learned what love felt like. As he learned what it was to give everything he had to another.
And the choice was theirs to make.
***
Want to read more?
A kingdom at war. A girl with a gift. A destiny to be revealed.
The sky is a dangerous place for a girl without wings.
In the war-torn kingdom of Lordach, Ezer has spent two years as the Ravenminder of Rendegard. Chained in a prison tower’s aviary, she pays the debts of the man she calls uncle, who rescued her after shadow wolves killed her parents. With three glittering scars on her cheek and mystical ‘strangeties’ unlike any magic in their world, Ezer is haunted by dreams of her death at the hands of an unknown warrior.
Then a Sacred Knight arrives to recruit Ezer for the fight against the enemy, the Acolyte. When her affinity with birds reveals itself on the journey to the Citadel, she is given a new mission: to help the Prince of Lordach tame one of the Acolyte’s captured raphons. Half giant raven, half black panther, these creatures are as loyal to the Acolyte as his strongest darksoul soldiers . . and only they can make the flight to infiltrate his lair.
While Ezer forges an unbreakable bond with the raphon, her heart becomes torn between the loyal Knight and the mysterious Prince. But as her dreams take on new clarity, she finds herself faced with a choice and a question: has the darkness been her destiny all along?
***
Your new romantic fantasy obsession awaits in this captivating epic adventure by Lindsay Cummings. Start reading Ravenminder here.